Who cares?

I'm in a good mood today.  Don't know why, but who cares!?

Consequences of loneliness

So, while I love where I'm living, I hate the fact that I don't really know anyone.  All I ever seem to see around town are middle aged lesbian couples.  I get so lonely at times.  Now I feel like I'm getting too attached to my friend from work and it's ruining our friendship...

He stayed over on my boat about a month ago.  We had so much fun, I made a nice meal, we had a lot to drink, then spent the next day wandering around the area.  I really enjoyed his company though.  He was supposed to be coming over again soon after, but due to problems at work he's hardly getting any days off, and he does have a girlfriend that he doesn't see very often, so unfortunately I have to wait.  I really miss him being there though.  I see him at work, but we can't be as close.  We cuddled each other all night.  It felt great being so close to someone, and it's really pissing me off that he hasn't been able to come over again yet.  I'm coming across as clingy, I get moody and jealous when he doesn't reply to my texts straight away.  He keeps reminding me that we're not married.  I know we're not, and I don't think I ever could have a relationship with him.  Apart from the obvious reason that he's a man, I just don't think we'd be compatible.  Our personalities are too similar, he drinks too much and he puts work before everything.  But as I've got no one else, I'm expecting him to be everyone to me.  I sometimes wonder if I do have feelings for him, and I sometimes think I do.  Surely it's not normal to miss someone so much; to crave their cuddles; to get upset when they don't text back.  But then I realise that I'd love the attention, the affection from anyone.

I met his girlfriend today.  She introduced herself to me while she was waiting for him to finish work.  She's really sweet, and he said she liked me.  I wouldn't say I felt jealous of her with him, but I suppose I am envious of her having someone.  I'd love to have her as a friend too though, and he's told her what it's like where I live and she wants to come over and was asking me when I'm off work.  But part of me doesn't want her with him when he comes over, because it means I can't get so close to him and I fear I'll just feel lonely again if the two of them are together.

Why does everything have to be so confusing?

So...

I've been on my boat a week now.  It's been fun, but stressful.  I'm still not settled.  After a few nights sleeping in the freezing cold room, I finally realised how to make my dining area into a bed.  It's next to the stove :)  I should be getting a solar panel fitted tomorrow so I can actually have a bit of electricity... exciting stuff!!

I managed to dye my hair, using only bottled water, a non-electric kettle and two buckets (as well as a box of dye).  Non of the dye has gone in the canal, so I shan't be killing any of my ducks, I'm just slowly carrying it down to the sanitation tank bit by bit.  I also dyed my ceiling.  I didn't realise how low it was, or that it was made from carpet.  Yes, I have a carpeted ceiling.

What a day...

I got my new boat today!!  It's been a stressful day though, had to deal with the family all shouting different things at me while trying to sail up to where I'm mooring.

Then I managed to lock myself out of the boat, dropped some keys in the water for the place I'd been staying, so can't get to half my stuff now.  Then I dropped my phone in the water.

I knew something would go wrong today!

The last train

My homelessness ends on monday! Wooooh!
I've just been on a night out in my home to be. After a nervous start, not knowing anyone, sat in the corner on my own, I now wish I was still there, but I had to get the last train back to manchester. I feel like I'm going somewhere miles away from home. I'm really looking forward to next month! At first I felt like a stranger, then after a while I felt so at home. I'm so happy.

I have been drinking doubles though.

A Big Issue

Last night I cried for the first time for ages.  It seems funny saying that, before I changed my diet to cut out gluten and lactose I used to cry all the time.  Anything would set me off.  Then I changed my diet and felt so much more happy, positive and lively.  I don't really know what set it off last night.

Maybe it was seeing my little sister with a black eye and a bruise from her boyfriend.  That had obviously upset me.

But maybe it was passing the Big Issue seller in Manchester.  I never buy The Big Issue, the main reason is because I wouldn't buy a magazine/paper without first looking inside it.  And I'm always sure they'll sell all their stock.  I do get a little feeling of guilt when I pass them, but yesterday I felt a huge surge of emotion.  I don't know if it's just because I'm fed up of being "homeless", even though I've got a roof over my head, I'm warm, dry, have entertainment, food, running water, a toaster, a kettle, a microwave, a makeshift bed and a toilet.  I even have a job.  Part of me felt guilty having all that, yet still calling myself homeless.  Ok so it's pretty dirty here, I have nowhere to shower and I'm sleeping on cushions on the floor while mice run around all day and night, but I still think I'm very lucky to be here.  The girl though seemed different to most Big Issue sellers.  Most appear weak and needy, like they've never had it good, and there's a tone of begging in their voice, especially as they say, "Big Issue please".  You don't say please if you're trying to offer something.  Yet this girl, I didn't get a good look at her, but she was somewhere around my age, quite pretty, but she seemed really strong and positive.  She didn't say please, she didn't sound like she was begging.  Yet I felt more guilty than ever for shaking my head and saying "no thanks".  I wanted to turn back around and offer her something, but I didn't, I carried on walking.  I'm going to see if I can find her again.  I want to do more than just buy the magazine from her.  I'd rather give her the £1.70 and not take the magazine.  I want to talk to her.

I will be devestated if I don't see her again.

I am a man-hating-lesbian

Lots has happened this week that's made me glad I'm a lesbian!  Don't get me wrong, women aren't perfect, they're quite complicated.  But this week all I've witnessed is the results of vicious men.

Ghosts

Maybe I shouldn't be reading stories about ghosts and spirits when I'm having to sleep in an old mill.

I ate meat :O

I'd not eaten meat for ages.  I'm not strictly vegetarian, I just usually choose not to eat meat.  I also avoid dairy as I suspect I may be lactose intolerant, and I never buy eggs and tend not to buy things with eggs in them, so I usually follow a vegan diet.  But if I want some food and meat is the only option, I will eat it.
Surprisingly though, the first time I ate meat for ages was at the buffet at the speed dating.  Yes, a lesbian event!  I thought it was common knowledge that all lesbians are vegetarian ;)

I eat what I eat because I feel healthier when I do so.  I have a very balanced diet, I make sure I still get my protein and calcium.  I also suspect I may have a gluten intolerance.  I ate lots of pastry and bread at the speed dating.  I must have drunk more than I thought.

Luckily my diet since thursday night has been very balanced, yet entirely gluten free and vegan, so my body's happy again!

Internet crushes - rant

Unless you're into the whole scene, it can be hard to meet other lesbians.  That's why a lot of us lesbians turn to social networking sites.  Gaydargirls is the favourite, it's been running for years, and there are a few newer sites such as Lezza and Gaygirlnet.  They all differ slightly, but generally you have a profile with pictures, and you chat to other girls.
Unfortunately though, a picture or two doesn't give you a moving, 3D view of that person, and no matter how much you chat to someone, there's always plenty of things they can hide from their keyboard, so you never get the whole picture of their personality or mannerisms.  I have quite a vivid imagination though, and when I picture the person I tend to fill in the gaps that I don't know about them.  Most of the time I imagine them how I want them to be, so I end up crushing on someone I've half made up!  Most of them I end up losing contact with before meeting them.  Sometimes this makes me sad, and then I'm like, "Get over yourself, you didn't even know that person!"  Other times I do eventually meet the person, and I have to start from scratch at getting to know them as they were never how I imagined.

So why oh why can't I just chat online to a girl without developing a crush on her?  I've currently got 4 internet crushes... I NEED TO GET OUT MORE!

Captain Jayne recommends speed dating

I'd always turned my nose up at the idea of speed dating.  I always thought it would be full of ugly desperate people who can't get laid.  Although I think I'm probably beginning to fit that description.

But when I first moved to Hebden Bridge in January I didn't know anyone except the girl who owned the boat I was living on.  She worked monday to friday, I worked weekends, and she would often go away at weekends.  I didn't feel lonely, because it's such a friendly town, and it wasn't like I didn't fit in as the town is full of lesbians, artists and hippies,  but I had no one to go out with.  I knew they did a lesbian night once a month at the local lesbian-owned bar, but I didn't want to go on my own because I'd just end up in a corner on my own as I'm too shy to mingle.

Then someone sent me a message online about a speed dating night at the bar I just mentioned.  I'm quite a shy person, but I knew if I went I'd have no choice but to chat to people, so I bought a ticket online.

On the night we were all assigned numbers and given two sheets of paper, one with a chart to write notes about each of the people we met, and one with a list of questions in case you got stuck.  Before the "dating" had even started, a girl who'd come from Leeds started chatting to me, and introduced me to her friends, I think she felt sorry for me because I was on my own and clearly really quiet and shy.  There was also a Lesbian Comedienne hosting the night who provided a great atmosphere!

When the dating started we had three minutes with each person, so after going through your name, where you live/where you're from, and what you do, I didn't need to use the sheet.  I would have preferred four or five minutes, as after the "oh wow I can't believe you live on a boat!  What type of boat is it?" etc I'd spent two and a half minutes talking about myself.  I do like using the "Hi I'm Jayne and I live on a boat" as a chat-up line usually, but I tried to avoid mentioning it.  But then I'd get asked why I moved to Hebden Bridge or my current homeless situation would come up in the conversation so I couldn't avoid it.  It was quite overwhelming meeting so many new people, but it was a load of fun!

At the end of the night, we handed in a slip of paper with the numbers of the people we'd like to get in touch with again, and the organisers then emailed me the email addresses of the people I listed who also listed me.  I got 4 matches, but through adding them on Facebook, I've also been able to add a couple of the people I never actually got to "date".  Only one of my matches was local to Hebden Bridge, the others were all in Leeds, but I can still go out in Leeds, and they seem up for coming back to Hebden Bridge for the lesbian night.

So it was definitely a successful night, and the people weren't ugly and didn't seem desperate and I'm sure none of them would have problems getting laid!  I met people I'd definitely want to see again and spend more time with, and I had a good time.  I would go again and I'd recommend it to everyone.  Don't go expecting to meet the love of your life, but just go to have a good night and meet new people!

Wasting away my holiday time...

Sorry to start this blog on a negative post...

I had 13 days holiday from work.  I've been working full time recently at my 'part-time' job and was really looking forward to get on top of things!  I'm now half way through and feel I have done nothing.  I keep putting things off, telling myself I've got loads of time, but the first week has gone really quick, and I know the second week will go quicker.

It's been a waste of a holiday though.  My intentions were to get my new boat down here, sort out what I would be keeping on my boat and what I'm keeping in my art studio, and settle in and start transforming the standard white and blue 80's cruiser into a pirate ship.  But that didn't happen, due to technical difficulties the boat is still at the marina I bought it from.

I was living on my friend's boat until the end of February and my stuff's still on there, although I've been sleeping elsewhere.  I initially had to get all my stuff off her boat and clean it up by the end of March as it was due to come out of the water on April 1st, but today I found out that's been delayed so I can stop stressing about that.

I should be gratefull I've had time to chill, but for some reason I get moody when I feel I'm not being productive enough.  I am usually a very positive person!!

Introduction

Ahoy there, Captain Jayne here.

I just thought I'd share my thoughts with anyone who cares to listen.

I aren't going to post a big introduction to myself, as you should be able to learn more about me if you follow my blog over the next few weeks.