Thursday, 20 May 2010
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Consequences of loneliness
So, while I love where I'm living, I hate the fact that I don't really know anyone. All I ever seem to see around town are middle aged lesbian couples. I get so lonely at times. Now I feel like I'm getting too attached to my friend from work and it's ruining our friendship...
He stayed over on my boat about a month ago. We had so much fun, I made a nice meal, we had a lot to drink, then spent the next day wandering around the area. I really enjoyed his company though. He was supposed to be coming over again soon after, but due to problems at work he's hardly getting any days off, and he does have a girlfriend that he doesn't see very often, so unfortunately I have to wait. I really miss him being there though. I see him at work, but we can't be as close. We cuddled each other all night. It felt great being so close to someone, and it's really pissing me off that he hasn't been able to come over again yet. I'm coming across as clingy, I get moody and jealous when he doesn't reply to my texts straight away. He keeps reminding me that we're not married. I know we're not, and I don't think I ever could have a relationship with him. Apart from the obvious reason that he's a man, I just don't think we'd be compatible. Our personalities are too similar, he drinks too much and he puts work before everything. But as I've got no one else, I'm expecting him to be everyone to me. I sometimes wonder if I do have feelings for him, and I sometimes think I do. Surely it's not normal to miss someone so much; to crave their cuddles; to get upset when they don't text back. But then I realise that I'd love the attention, the affection from anyone.
I met his girlfriend today. She introduced herself to me while she was waiting for him to finish work. She's really sweet, and he said she liked me. I wouldn't say I felt jealous of her with him, but I suppose I am envious of her having someone. I'd love to have her as a friend too though, and he's told her what it's like where I live and she wants to come over and was asking me when I'm off work. But part of me doesn't want her with him when he comes over, because it means I can't get so close to him and I fear I'll just feel lonely again if the two of them are together.
Why does everything have to be so confusing?
He stayed over on my boat about a month ago. We had so much fun, I made a nice meal, we had a lot to drink, then spent the next day wandering around the area. I really enjoyed his company though. He was supposed to be coming over again soon after, but due to problems at work he's hardly getting any days off, and he does have a girlfriend that he doesn't see very often, so unfortunately I have to wait. I really miss him being there though. I see him at work, but we can't be as close. We cuddled each other all night. It felt great being so close to someone, and it's really pissing me off that he hasn't been able to come over again yet. I'm coming across as clingy, I get moody and jealous when he doesn't reply to my texts straight away. He keeps reminding me that we're not married. I know we're not, and I don't think I ever could have a relationship with him. Apart from the obvious reason that he's a man, I just don't think we'd be compatible. Our personalities are too similar, he drinks too much and he puts work before everything. But as I've got no one else, I'm expecting him to be everyone to me. I sometimes wonder if I do have feelings for him, and I sometimes think I do. Surely it's not normal to miss someone so much; to crave their cuddles; to get upset when they don't text back. But then I realise that I'd love the attention, the affection from anyone.
I met his girlfriend today. She introduced herself to me while she was waiting for him to finish work. She's really sweet, and he said she liked me. I wouldn't say I felt jealous of her with him, but I suppose I am envious of her having someone. I'd love to have her as a friend too though, and he's told her what it's like where I live and she wants to come over and was asking me when I'm off work. But part of me doesn't want her with him when he comes over, because it means I can't get so close to him and I fear I'll just feel lonely again if the two of them are together.
Why does everything have to be so confusing?
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
So...
I've been on my boat a week now. It's been fun, but stressful. I'm still not settled. After a few nights sleeping in the freezing cold room, I finally realised how to make my dining area into a bed. It's next to the stove :) I should be getting a solar panel fitted tomorrow so I can actually have a bit of electricity... exciting stuff!!
I managed to dye my hair, using only bottled water, a non-electric kettle and two buckets (as well as a box of dye). Non of the dye has gone in the canal, so I shan't be killing any of my ducks, I'm just slowly carrying it down to the sanitation tank bit by bit. I also dyed my ceiling. I didn't realise how low it was, or that it was made from carpet. Yes, I have a carpeted ceiling.
I managed to dye my hair, using only bottled water, a non-electric kettle and two buckets (as well as a box of dye). Non of the dye has gone in the canal, so I shan't be killing any of my ducks, I'm just slowly carrying it down to the sanitation tank bit by bit. I also dyed my ceiling. I didn't realise how low it was, or that it was made from carpet. Yes, I have a carpeted ceiling.
Monday, 29 March 2010
What a day...
I got my new boat today!! It's been a stressful day though, had to deal with the family all shouting different things at me while trying to sail up to where I'm mooring.
Then I managed to lock myself out of the boat, dropped some keys in the water for the place I'd been staying, so can't get to half my stuff now. Then I dropped my phone in the water.
I knew something would go wrong today!
Then I managed to lock myself out of the boat, dropped some keys in the water for the place I'd been staying, so can't get to half my stuff now. Then I dropped my phone in the water.
I knew something would go wrong today!
Saturday, 27 March 2010
The last train
My homelessness ends on monday! Wooooh!
I've just been on a night out in my home to be. After a nervous start, not knowing anyone, sat in the corner on my own, I now wish I was still there, but I had to get the last train back to manchester. I feel like I'm going somewhere miles away from home. I'm really looking forward to next month! At first I felt like a stranger, then after a while I felt so at home. I'm so happy.
I have been drinking doubles though.
I've just been on a night out in my home to be. After a nervous start, not knowing anyone, sat in the corner on my own, I now wish I was still there, but I had to get the last train back to manchester. I feel like I'm going somewhere miles away from home. I'm really looking forward to next month! At first I felt like a stranger, then after a while I felt so at home. I'm so happy.
I have been drinking doubles though.
Friday, 26 March 2010
A Big Issue
Last night I cried for the first time for ages. It seems funny saying that, before I changed my diet to cut out gluten and lactose I used to cry all the time. Anything would set me off. Then I changed my diet and felt so much more happy, positive and lively. I don't really know what set it off last night.
Maybe it was seeing my little sister with a black eye and a bruise from her boyfriend. That had obviously upset me.
But maybe it was passing the Big Issue seller in Manchester. I never buy The Big Issue, the main reason is because I wouldn't buy a magazine/paper without first looking inside it. And I'm always sure they'll sell all their stock. I do get a little feeling of guilt when I pass them, but yesterday I felt a huge surge of emotion. I don't know if it's just because I'm fed up of being "homeless", even though I've got a roof over my head, I'm warm, dry, have entertainment, food, running water, a toaster, a kettle, a microwave, a makeshift bed and a toilet. I even have a job. Part of me felt guilty having all that, yet still calling myself homeless. Ok so it's pretty dirty here, I have nowhere to shower and I'm sleeping on cushions on the floor while mice run around all day and night, but I still think I'm very lucky to be here. The girl though seemed different to most Big Issue sellers. Most appear weak and needy, like they've never had it good, and there's a tone of begging in their voice, especially as they say, "Big Issue please". You don't say please if you're trying to offer something. Yet this girl, I didn't get a good look at her, but she was somewhere around my age, quite pretty, but she seemed really strong and positive. She didn't say please, she didn't sound like she was begging. Yet I felt more guilty than ever for shaking my head and saying "no thanks". I wanted to turn back around and offer her something, but I didn't, I carried on walking. I'm going to see if I can find her again. I want to do more than just buy the magazine from her. I'd rather give her the £1.70 and not take the magazine. I want to talk to her.
I will be devestated if I don't see her again.
Maybe it was seeing my little sister with a black eye and a bruise from her boyfriend. That had obviously upset me.
But maybe it was passing the Big Issue seller in Manchester. I never buy The Big Issue, the main reason is because I wouldn't buy a magazine/paper without first looking inside it. And I'm always sure they'll sell all their stock. I do get a little feeling of guilt when I pass them, but yesterday I felt a huge surge of emotion. I don't know if it's just because I'm fed up of being "homeless", even though I've got a roof over my head, I'm warm, dry, have entertainment, food, running water, a toaster, a kettle, a microwave, a makeshift bed and a toilet. I even have a job. Part of me felt guilty having all that, yet still calling myself homeless. Ok so it's pretty dirty here, I have nowhere to shower and I'm sleeping on cushions on the floor while mice run around all day and night, but I still think I'm very lucky to be here. The girl though seemed different to most Big Issue sellers. Most appear weak and needy, like they've never had it good, and there's a tone of begging in their voice, especially as they say, "Big Issue please". You don't say please if you're trying to offer something. Yet this girl, I didn't get a good look at her, but she was somewhere around my age, quite pretty, but she seemed really strong and positive. She didn't say please, she didn't sound like she was begging. Yet I felt more guilty than ever for shaking my head and saying "no thanks". I wanted to turn back around and offer her something, but I didn't, I carried on walking. I'm going to see if I can find her again. I want to do more than just buy the magazine from her. I'd rather give her the £1.70 and not take the magazine. I want to talk to her.
I will be devestated if I don't see her again.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
I am a man-hating-lesbian
Lots has happened this week that's made me glad I'm a lesbian! Don't get me wrong, women aren't perfect, they're quite complicated. But this week all I've witnessed is the results of vicious men.
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