A Big Issue

Last night I cried for the first time for ages.  It seems funny saying that, before I changed my diet to cut out gluten and lactose I used to cry all the time.  Anything would set me off.  Then I changed my diet and felt so much more happy, positive and lively.  I don't really know what set it off last night.

Maybe it was seeing my little sister with a black eye and a bruise from her boyfriend.  That had obviously upset me.

But maybe it was passing the Big Issue seller in Manchester.  I never buy The Big Issue, the main reason is because I wouldn't buy a magazine/paper without first looking inside it.  And I'm always sure they'll sell all their stock.  I do get a little feeling of guilt when I pass them, but yesterday I felt a huge surge of emotion.  I don't know if it's just because I'm fed up of being "homeless", even though I've got a roof over my head, I'm warm, dry, have entertainment, food, running water, a toaster, a kettle, a microwave, a makeshift bed and a toilet.  I even have a job.  Part of me felt guilty having all that, yet still calling myself homeless.  Ok so it's pretty dirty here, I have nowhere to shower and I'm sleeping on cushions on the floor while mice run around all day and night, but I still think I'm very lucky to be here.  The girl though seemed different to most Big Issue sellers.  Most appear weak and needy, like they've never had it good, and there's a tone of begging in their voice, especially as they say, "Big Issue please".  You don't say please if you're trying to offer something.  Yet this girl, I didn't get a good look at her, but she was somewhere around my age, quite pretty, but she seemed really strong and positive.  She didn't say please, she didn't sound like she was begging.  Yet I felt more guilty than ever for shaking my head and saying "no thanks".  I wanted to turn back around and offer her something, but I didn't, I carried on walking.  I'm going to see if I can find her again.  I want to do more than just buy the magazine from her.  I'd rather give her the £1.70 and not take the magazine.  I want to talk to her.

I will be devestated if I don't see her again.